omg.

i just wanna scream.

cry,

run. hide.

making im making more of this.

overthing then getting pissed

off my rocker is what im starting to feel.

just walking im ready to break

down, down sugar im going down 

and there’s noone to rescue me

but im used to this kinda treatment.

F U C K!!

this isn’t my life

not what I envisioned at 20

im supposed to be happy

i live in the city

off capmus. 

single.

no kids.

so what’s the FUCKING problem?

i guess i’ll know when you do.

jpvb.

the pain is increasing

my sanity is pleading

holding on to my last piece of reality

trying to swim in water too deep

im accepting temporary satisfaction

but hurting like fresh contractions

ready to release the pain

all while trying to stay sane

putting on my happy face

just so things dont seem displaced

crying behind this vivid smile

’suicidal thoughts’ ‘ready to die’

biggie shit banging in my ears

while i slowly release these warm tears

then my angel taps me to say, 

“Januel, baby, it’ll be okay”

so i fall on my knees and begin to pray

God comforts me in everyway

wipe my eyes, swallow my pride

cut the cord and live this life.

jpvb

All good things do come to an end. Sooner or later so where along the line lines sever,tears fall,people hurt. But in the end you learn to get over it. It seems like everyone I jhave been talking to these days have been losing a “friend”. I’ve lost a friend maybe two. And truth be told things will never be like they were because noone was honest and upfront in the beginning. Myself included. And noone wanted to express feelings outta fear of hurting emotions. But I learned through all this that its best that feelings are hurt in the beginning rather in the end when things become to close for comfort. So its over and def done. No longer am I crying over spilled milk. I did what I could and that’s all. So like Jay said “you lost one”.

jpvb

//…baby girl dont you ever get too comfortable…//

Mannnnnnn.

I gave an inch.

a foot was taken.

fuck this.

why do i have to be blessed with the gift and the curse.

nice.

polite.

kind.

FUCK!!

i feel like im being taken advantaged of…

lowkey.

nah fucking HIGH key.

im stressed out.

in my own space.

why the fuck am i stressed out.

in MY OWN SPACE?

i can change this.

this can be changed.

but i got the “nice” gene.

ugh.

fuccckkk.

Im stuck.

between a rock and a not so hard place yet.

a should.

and a shouldn’t.

But unlike Ms. Luckett

my “torness” isn’t between two guys.

its between my sanity

and insanity

the yes

or the horrible no!

im not good at this

rejection

acceptance

the decision.

————

jaypvbee

ahhhh.

borderline nympho.

doesnt mean slut or ho.

just like DOD

what has ever been wrong with a lil DOD?

it kinda completes me.

wish it was regular.

like the days that come and go.

constant.

like the time that slowly passes in that 9:40 class.

monogamous.

just you and i.

my compliment

not completion.

Life.

Sometimes it gets hard to deal with.

But then I realize that without the stuggle theres no progress.

So I deal.

I am realizing alot.

I’m starved for attention.

I treat good guys horrible.

Then complain about being single.

I’m alone but never lonely.

I’m scared of lonely.

Sex is my escape.

But when its over I’m back to reality.

I try not to get attached.

I am human so it happens.

Until someone cuts the cord.

I wish I didn’t relapse.

rehab isn’t fun.

I laugh to cover hurt.

I cry to release pain.

Pain strengthens me.

//….Broken promises
My heart you stole
Lies you told
Got the best of me
Digging in my heart of gold
Used to look at you
And see the possibilities
I see you for who you are
Boy you’ve disappointed me…//

On an EARLY morning phone call is when I realized it was time to let go. I was talking to B about love and the guy who I “loved”. B asked me “Why do you love him?” and I couldnt honestly answer the question. I didnt know why. That question stuck with me throughout our whole phone conversation and into the rest of the day. WHY DO I LOVE HIM? I repeatedly asked myself over again. And I couldnt come up with a valid answer. Thats when I realized I’m forcing something that will never be with false words and broken promises. So we met up tonight. Me and “my love”. Let’s call him Bobby. So Bobby and I were at IHOP and I was totally turned off and annoyed in his presence. He showed up high which was really UGH. So after sitting in IHOP for 20 minutes being truly annoyed we left and went somewhere else to talk.  As we sat in his car by a “pond” he played Pretty Ricky’s CD. I’m not exactly sure which one but I guess he was trying to drop hints by singing along with the song. He asked me “What do you want from me?” And I replied “Nothing, because you ALWAYS dissappointment and my expectations for you are no longer high.” I guess that got to hm because then he asked if I still wanted there to be an “US” and I replied “NO” and again he questioned me. I told him I cant keep putting effort into something thats not working and its like beating a dead horse. I also told him that Im tired of going through this circle bullshit because no matter what he says it wont work. YOU CANT HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!!! It all ended with him saying “Well I guess I have some more thinkin to do” and as I mademy exit from his car I told him “Call me when you REALLY get your life together” and shut the door.

//…Used to believe in every word you said
Clouds my head
Leaving me here to drown
Hopes and dreams left for dead
You point your finger
Trying to justify your mistakes
A change is goin to be made
So you best be on your way…//

NO tears. NO pain. No heartache.

I felt different afterwards. I felt FREE. I exhaled. Now I can truly say I know what it means to EXHALE. All of this time I felt like I was being kept back. I was holding myself back by trying to keep a grasp on something tht wasnt worried about me. It was like the scence out of the Lion King with Scar and Mufasa. But in my happy ending I didnt get trampled by the stampede.

//…No need to apologize        
Don’t try to make it right
I know
I should known better
When you took hold
I was sold
Using fear to control
Now it unfolds
Let me tell you right now
What I’m gonna do
made up my mind
It’s time and I’m through with you
Nothing you can say or can do
Can make me change me mind…//

I AM FREE.

I EXHALED.

jaypvbee

//…There’s only so many songs that I can sing to pass the time.
And I’m running out of things to do to get you off my mind
All I have is this picture in a frame,
that I hold close to see your face everyday…//