yesterday’s dreams & today’s realities

So my best friend just gave me the new Chrisette Michele “Epiphany” cd. OMG!! I love it! This cd describes everything I’ve been going through. I guess that is the reason she dropped it into my lap.

im starting to lose my mind

self, body, spirit.

i feel like im not who i once was

am, could be, or would like to be.

within the depths of my soul

i feel like i have been robbed

true happiness has been stolen

and replaced with a mask

strings attached to arms

gently moving at the puppeteer’s direction

//…I took a swim
In the sea of guilt and misery
To find myself in an island
In the middle of nowhere
In my solitude
I asked to know the highest truth
And what I was told
Is to let own self be true…//

i never felt so down about losing friend

i feel like im going through the 7 steps of grieving a death

i wanna scream “its not fair”

but in the end i can only hate myself

mercilessly slice the wrists

with each word

fight the pain

as i plead on my knees

until they bleed

yesterday i wanted to pick up the phone

and talk to you

like old times

but i remembered

that this has been ended

communication has been severed

i really want that old thing back

my life is on the line

for this friendship

i need that old thing back

but as of now

impasse.

//…All the people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin’ that anger, it’ll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore…//

home again

home again

where the cows are curbside

and the pastures grow far

the sun scorches my brown skin

the wasps run me in

but the smell keeps me going back

fresh fruit on the side of the road

bbqs and gatherings

family all together laughing

these summer days

keep me occupied

until i journey back

across the cloud

into cavity land

chocolate city

but for now

im comfortable

in my southern wonderland.

//…The way your sweet smell
lingers when you leave a room,
Stories you tell as we lay
in bed all afternoon.
I dreamed you now every night
in my mind is where we meet.
and when I’m awake
staring at pictures of you asleep…//

in 2 days I will be departing

and the coldness in my heart

has started to defrost

how will we handle this seperation

who will be the warmth

when my anemic body is freezing

shielding me with your body

to keep me from getting cold

in 2 days my body will be on the Gulf

but a piece of me will be on the East

how do we gently seperate

from this chaotic attachment

and not know what’s next to come

if we’ll ever reunite 

but as we go from here

my face free from tears

in 2 days I’l be on the Gulf

but a piece of me will be left on the East.

-jpvb

it started off great
honeymoon stage starts to fade
emotions start to flow heavy
With no label things necome complicated
for the other party involved
texts being read while one lays asleep in the bed.
rage being up because another person interferes
back turns doors slam eyes being to bring tears
the pain placed on each’s fragile heart
knowing this is not how we planned to part
jealousy is not the trait to have
consuming your world because it brings fear
makes you crazy and insecure
jealousy cannot be a mans best friend.

-jpvb

i believe in fate
destiny and soulmates
i believe everything happens for a reason
to break us down, build up, love harder, or stop loving
right now i believe in him
i believe in me
and somewhere in the future i believe in an us.
but my feelings are being halted
my heart is guarded
and my eyes cant take anymore
i wanna jump in with both feet
screaming fuck the world
but im hurt
scarred and buised
and with this pain i cant move
i cant let myself be hurt
and i know it wont happen
but what do i really know
i like when we’re together
because nothing is forced
everything blows like the wind
freely falling wherever it pleases
and i like it
i like the cuddling
and the wrestling
his aggressiveness
yet slight protection
deep affection
but right now it seems we’re moving fast
and we both know
that we cant rush
be too quick to touch
cause it may all just be lust
a winter fling
cuddle buddy jumpoff
bedwarmer until spring
disappear and run off
but on the flip side
i feel its real
or could be
compliments not completion
each’s upgrade
but as of now im fragile
this side up
look but dont touch
until i get myself together
there cant be more.

jpvb

omg.

i just wanna scream.

cry,

run. hide.

making im making more of this.

overthing then getting pissed

off my rocker is what im starting to feel.

just walking im ready to break

down, down sugar im going down 

and there’s noone to rescue me

but im used to this kinda treatment.

F U C K!!

this isn’t my life

not what I envisioned at 20

im supposed to be happy

i live in the city

off capmus. 

single.

no kids.

so what’s the FUCKING problem?

i guess i’ll know when you do.

jpvb.

the pain is increasing

my sanity is pleading

holding on to my last piece of reality

trying to swim in water too deep

im accepting temporary satisfaction

but hurting like fresh contractions

ready to release the pain

all while trying to stay sane

putting on my happy face

just so things dont seem displaced

crying behind this vivid smile

’suicidal thoughts’ ‘ready to die’

biggie shit banging in my ears

while i slowly release these warm tears

then my angel taps me to say, 

“Januel, baby, it’ll be okay”

so i fall on my knees and begin to pray

God comforts me in everyway

wipe my eyes, swallow my pride

cut the cord and live this life.

jpvb

All good things do come to an end. Sooner or later so where along the line lines sever,tears fall,people hurt. But in the end you learn to get over it. It seems like everyone I jhave been talking to these days have been losing a “friend”. I’ve lost a friend maybe two. And truth be told things will never be like they were because noone was honest and upfront in the beginning. Myself included. And noone wanted to express feelings outta fear of hurting emotions. But I learned through all this that its best that feelings are hurt in the beginning rather in the end when things become to close for comfort. So its over and def done. No longer am I crying over spilled milk. I did what I could and that’s all. So like Jay said “you lost one”.

jpvb